I carry my past heartaches
like participation trophies. That's a thing now right? Everyone gets one for playing along. Even the losers get one just for showing up. But they're all plain aren't they? Cookie cutter statues so no one can complain.
While mine are all unique and different.
etched with the names of each one of the people who made promises they didn't keep,
Who stuck knives between my shoulder blades,
Who helped teach me how hard I am to love
Mine carry the stories of loss and feelings of abandonment that have broken my heart over and over and over again.
The same lines again and again and the truth is not among them or even between them
I've read them all and could recite them for you like a sonnet.
I'm not looking for a love story. I can write my own, not a pledge made with your right hand in the air, or an oath sworn and attested to.
I guess maybe
I just need someone
To help me build a shelf.
0
And maybe I've always been the girl with the gun handing out bullets like they are prize tokens and watching the same people play over and over again
But now I'm tired now you can have the rest of my bullets I'm not a prize anymore maybe just a consolation or maybe I'm a constellation trace from one star to the next to see my scars
Tennessee whisky and bonfires and bones and quiet and peace. The cattle are lowing and I'm restless as hell waiting here in the dark alone always alone in one way or another
But the sky is clear and there is a spark of hope out there somewhere- the breeze is a little cool but nowhere near what you are used to. It never snows here you won't need a coat this far south.
and Sundays are different- uncomfortable and discomfiting but unfortunately unavoidable. the only day of the week my brother. calls or makes an appearance. the only time I play small suddenly he wants to do everything. even the things I do without fail daily. dad is just glad to see him - I'm not as easily distracted his obvious lies and what feels like dislike make me want to escape he's going to check the hog trap. and feed the cows, get the gates i am not needed when he is here but I go along this time anyway I know the trap is empty I checked it at sunrise. the cows want the hay but not to be near him I talk to them low, touch the ones I can, assess their well being. I hear him ask why they are so calm today, I have to smile at dad's reply. "they know your sister is here" Maybe I'm not that small after all
and we can blow it up or burn it down
I'm falling falling no, failing not flailing now flying
nothing scares me anymore
I'd rather the when than if, but I know i can survive on my own...alone
I refuse to run from my destruction
there's construction and malfunction and even evolution but maybe this is our revolution....anarchy or mutiny.
either way we are suddenly in charge and building not looking back but forward and the motion continues
the past is regression and we are working towards progression with an ever changing ability to see both more clearly.
letting go is freeing and surrender can be an escape but here... there is no surrender here
this isn't a battle but the war itself and the reward
a new life waiting to be lived
And today I just don't care- I'm looking for a fight -i probably won't find one- but then again I might- Today I want to check gravity- See how fast I fall-Or maybe high velocity - its the stop that kills you after all Or maybe ill just bait the bull- he feels when my mood is sour- It's when he want to show his ass- and then I feel his power We walk together everyday- No fence between me and him- But looking at the blood on my arm- Today he gets the win I'm still standing it was just a scratch- So on to the next experiment- i'm sure I'll find one that will offer me- a hearty dose of beguilement There's speed and there's guns-And there's traffic to play in- i've not lost once - in my column just wins But my luck can't last forever- And I've no need for caution -Its been days and I've still hardly slept- so there's always the added exhaustion People yelling, cars swerving- that guy just gave me the finger - i was driving in his lane with purpose- I guess he felt the danger Now night is swift closing in-That makes it all the more fun- i've won and won so many times- i guess I'm on a run And we'll check the damage tomorrow- if I make it through tonight- And if you don't hear from me again-Just remember I wanted to fight.
You gave away everything i ever painted that you loved expensive supplies bought at the thrift store donated by rich college kids who no longer needed or wanted them when the semester was over it took forever to fill that beautiful portfolio that you gave me only work that was deemed worthy was allowed space there it took you one sunny day to give them all away you remembered them all like you had a photograph in your head of them, not just the paintings but the people too you would describe the light in their eyes, a tenderness, a joy a young couple newly married, an old woman missing her family you said that you gave them to people who looked at them the way I looked at them and i saw the pride in your eyes i can't paint anymore, or maybe i just don't i mumble and grumble and stare at what's left of my supplies some of them still in the package, unopened and i can remember your excitement at finding them even more than mine you would be disappointed that i don't even try but what would i do with them now... without you here to give them away.
there are no hills here only winding roads and fields for miles i could drive hours and never see another soul you read that there were too many people per square mile welcome to my world of social distance i take too many photographs of the sky and all its colors send emails and texts that go unanswered miss people, who don't miss me i i feel worthless and small and i am leaning towards restless and with that always comes reckless with no one to notice now that you are gone i'll take a knife to the gun fight this time red eyed relentless from no sleep and unable to stop moving or i may never move again emotions still ragged and too close to the surface for comfort i get attached too easily, left behind too easily and forgotten i'm trying to reach out but my arms just aren't long enough my voice isn't strong enough and yet i am too much or maybe not enough, maybe i don't say what i mean or you just don't want to hear what i mean to say maybe i am just another calamity another regret
You call me lost like it's my name. Discovered me, molded me, disposed of me then found me again i was all you were looking for and then some consumed your free moments, quiet thoughts and quenched your desire to command. then you let me go, all at once without warning or explanation. Until you didn't You call me Pet like it's my name. And in some ways, too many ways it was and perhaps still is. Cared for and looked after, petted and punished everything done the way you wanted when and if you wanted it. Until you didn't You call me trouble like it's my name. An undefinable suggestion of a question, a page written, erased and still waiting to be rewritten. You don't say you don't miss me or that you aren't interested, just that i make us both crazy, that we shouldn't. Until you didn't Now you don't call me at all.
Oh no dear Sir please don't be confused i used "no Sir" and "yes Sir" long before your school . It's not a result of your training or methods i'm a true southern girl and it's what was expected. But wait don't be swayed, you gave me a voice. I stopped biting my lip you gave me no choice. " say it- ask for it- beg" you demanded when I still couldn’t do it that's when you commanded. Mixed pleasure with pain and blurred that line forever i thank you and curse at times in equal measure. A high tolerance for pain and skills beyond compare but no one to appreciate them, how is that fair? You awakened this passion then you walked away, creeping in and back out maybe gone you should stay. Maybe someone someday will reap what you've sown but until then I'll be just fine here on my own.
we danced naked and chanted under the nocturnal sun like wolves circling a downed deer we circled the dire Nyx watched from her perch in glee eyes gleaming at the change she had wrought bright light she had manipulated in the night we blackened our eyes with ash in her honor and delighted in the absence of the moon how long could she hold the heavens her hostage? daughter if Chaos and feared by Zeus himseld the bright little night a simple show of her might we danced for days in the glow
NotWaving_Drowning 