This World

Posted: October 20, 2021 in Uncategorized
and today I am tired
bone weary with 
heartache and grief
I have hidden my emotions
for so long that 
now they threaten to drown me
they seem inescapable
and I keep opening the door
allowing old wounds and 
memories of happier times
to tear and render what is
left of my broken heart
this has to end 
this place offers no relief
the pain and the hurt
the memories the tears
I want it to be over now
I want to shut out this world
I want to wander 
in the fields of Valhalla
find love and happiness 
and maybe what this world has 
never given me


Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
mine will be the loudest silence
that you will even know
it will scream for you
and at you over the distance
and through the mire
it will be the hole you fall in
when you realize that no love
desire, adoration or subservience
will take my place for you
my silence will be deafening and complete
there will be no more emails
to arouse and excite you
no more voice messages asking if
you are doing okay
my silence will surround you 
and when you are still or close your eyes
I will be there
My silence will haunt you 
in the seconds between songs on the radio
the instant between pushing the gas and acceleration
and the intake of breaths between words
in a conversation where suddenly
mine is the only voice you hear.
When my silence becomes unbearable
and feels like a weight you must carry
you asked me not to speak

For You

Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
and the anger is strong in this one
I remember hearing you say
I laughed, and I scoffed, and I chuckled
upon hearing you felt that way
wanton and reckless, relentless
are probably the better choice
I’ve learned not to speak in whispers
my scars have shown me my voice
they are named after causes and battles
some hard fought and lost and some won
you talk like the wars are all over
while I’m sure there is more to be done
the path to conquest is winding
a long and arduous haul
no way of knowing what’s before us
of if we will lose or stand tall
and love conquers all is a saying
I’ve never known or tried if it’s true
you’ve asked me to “try it, you’ll like it”
and I might consider it but only for you

Away from Prying Eyes

Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
the wall against my back was unforgiving
the music pounding in my head and you trying to drive me
through it, the hell with up against it
you were everything I thought I deserved
brutal and animalistic- holding my hands high above my head
in a squandered attempt to quell my resistance
you knew I would only fight against it for so long
that I would give in to the intrinsic urges and needs that 
you alone awakened, the reckless and wanton desire
the climax was glorious and seemed never-ending
the music and lights the backdrop for an act of abandon
so primal and pure in nature
you still held both of my hands with only one of yours
the other moving to my throat, and your eyes
locked with mine, no one else existed
we stood like that, even after the music stopped,
you pressed hard against the length of me  
holding my eyes with your intense stare
then suddenly, your breath at my cheek, my ear
and you growling that you were not done with me
this would continue away from this place
as you released my hands, they went to your chest
not to push you away, never to push you away, but to marvel 
at the way your muscles moved beneath my fingertips
and just before you grabbed my hand to pull me away 
from the audience that had not existed until this moment
I heard you whisper “you are mine” 

Darkest Night

Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
the darkness is deafening
it has settled around my shoulders
like a blanket… or is it a cape
a cloak of stars to keep me hidden
here in the early morning dark
like a dream from which you don’t want to awaken
Or Is it a nightmare you can’t escape
perhaps I am Nyx and this dark night is my realm
born of chaos and feared by even the mighty Zeus
I have captured you and pulled you close
bewitched you into loving me
and now with the rise of Hemera
I must let you go, clawing and writhing towards the light
Beware my return
stealing silently on cat’s paws to your bed
darkness always my cover
I will put my hand around your throat
and dare you to scream, thrash, fight 
against what feels like impending doom
struggling to escape the rising panic
Who do you call out to when you are all alone
or possibly you aren’t alone
perchance that is only me, alone in the dark
perhaps unwilling victims are yesterday’s news
I should move on, from here to there and this one to that
always semi hidden but sensed by those who know
some can just feel the madness creeping closer
Is there someone, somewhere, waiting in the dark just for me

My Demons

Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
and the demons
that rob me of my sleep
whisper your name 
under their breath
like a mantra
of an affirmation, they call
spilling memories like photographs
at my feet
I don’t need their help
to remember
memories, like ghosts
haunt me
places we’ve been
things we’ve done
none are as sweet
as the first time
nothing has that 
same flavor
or the sharp tanginess
that we savored
I get lost in
the reverie
and another night
passes with no rest
sunlight sharpens 
the images
left over from the
night before
I almost imagine
I will see you
smile softly
then I remember
that’s just the demons
calling me 

Not Mine

Posted: October 19, 2021 in Uncategorized
and I’ve adopted this smile
co-opted it from a child with an 
ice cream cone- the illusion 
of newfound happiness
I’ve borrowed this sunny disposition
worn it like a jacket
then when I’m done… to the 
hook in the hall it goes
this laugh, it doesn’t belong
to me either got it after it
was pawned by a maniac in 
love with a woman way beyond his means
but wait, that glint in my eye
yeah that, THAT is mine but it’s not
what you think. it’s malicious and 
murderous, not as lighthearted as it appears
dark and dangerous roads lie ahead
but it is a hell of a ride 
if you dare
to hold my hand. 

Hearing Voices

Posted: October 18, 2021 in Uncategorized
and yours has been 

the voice in my head

now it is starting to fade

I deleted that last voicemail

in a fit of misplaced anger

raging at the distance

seething that you’re so distant

You, so in control of your emotions

I don’t see them at all

my anger at the world

right now, is ever present

it has taken too much to be bearable

may the bridges I burn light my way.

Closed Eyes

Posted: October 18, 2021 in Uncategorized
and you told me to close my eyes and relax  
and nervous that you were 
a dream that would disappear
I couldn't
you'd mentioned love and I didn't understand-  
the concept foreign to me, 
like that whole "one God" that Christians brag they follow
and then do what they want to anyway
thrown off my game yet still unafraid 
I defiantly closed my eyes... 
waiting for the inevitable blow 
or the sound of your footsteps as you walk away
No one ever stays 
I suddenly want to be like Freya: 
change the course of fate and keep you here 
I will cry tears of red gold and whisper your name 
like a prayer
finally I do relax. You will go or remain of your own accord. 
I have no claim to you or right to try to convince you. 
I haven't even told you I love you.
but behind my closed eyes and defiant smile 
I am praying to the Gods 
both the old and the new that 
you will choose to stay.


Posted: October 16, 2021 in Uncategorized

And even the darkest southern sky Is marred by the air holes That let in a million pinpoints of sparkling light

They match the millions of shattered Remnants of the person i once was

I used to be able to identify them all Gave names to the patterns that i saw Then suddenly it didn’t matter anymore

The pieces went ungathered, the air holes Clogged and dimmed and I was left here

Alone and unloved

With only my beloved dark

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